Selfishness and the Devout

Openness is my religion. Religions promote closed minds (Christianity and Islam included). Indeed very much so.

The real heroes are the doubters -sceptics the people who struggle with doubt and uncertainty. This is my own faith. The devout are ultimately cowardly and quitters. They choose the easy path. They give up on the world, their neighbour and their friends eventually. They are selfish.

I also believe that the human need to believe in something is almost as important as the need for food, accomodation, sex and status.

The devout are selfish - believing that they are going to have a good time in heaven. When push comes to shove, they ultimately will look after themselves. It's their own salvation they are concerned with.

skepticism is the most difficult faith to keep. But I do accept that some people can make something beautiful out of religion, whether Islam, Judaism or Christianity. Ultimately, though being devout makes you mentally lazy, selfish and complacent-and even cruel to your neighbour or your friend.

I hate fighting but it is necessary.

Life is one long fight - one long struggle with myself and everyone around me.

As a friend said 'I don't like to mess with the certainties of the devout-they need them for their own sense of validation'

But they sure don't care about messing with my uncertainties. When they get an apportunity the devout feel they have a right to do that.

I wish they would just leave my uncertainties alone.

They are my faith.

Pretending in Adelaide

It is the process not the product which is important. A mantra which I repeat to myself every couple of days and forget in between times.

I have to make do with the simple things like the winter sun, the birds and and reading a book in this pretty but joyless city.

Adelaide is beautiful but many people are closed and humourless.

Electronic friends bring some relief from anomie in this emotional wilderness.

People rushing around trying to earn money to collect more commodities to make themselves more comfortable so they can show off to themelves and their friends. Comfort doesn't make us happy.

Success, exhiliration and joy make us happy.

People who don't know and think they don't need friendship or joy.

People who want to do instead of be

People running away from themselves and everyone and  everything.

People pretending to themselves and everyone else.

Pretending...pretending....pretending...

Always pretending.

Surviving!

Waiting for a miracle to come in Australia

In spite of protestations to the contrary, the "stand-offishness" of Australians is legendary..

It is difficult to get further than the overly familiar "Hail fellow well-met" transaction at the petrol station, shop or the supermarket.

The Aussies are if anything worse than the British in this respect. (I am British myself)

The Aussie seems to be loathe to ask anyone for help or assistance - even the most trifling of things.

At the barbecue or dinner party they seem to make a point of not enquiring about anything personal of each other.

In fact, it seems they are ashamed to ask anyone about or for anything!

They just don't ask questions!

As aussies, we are all supposed to be perfect individuals-self contained and independent - able to look after ourselves.

Is this due to pride, arrogance and conceit?

Is it due to a lack of curiosity? .

Is it due to indifference to the concerns of others?

I think it is mostly due to a fear of intimacy

Probably all of the above.

Why?

The history I suppose.

In the same way as the British stand-offishness must be the fault of the Romans, Vikings, Normans and other invaders (The invaders traumatised the British and the British, in turn, traumatised the Aussies, both indigenous and convicts)

Both cultures are 'Developed' that is their original traditional sense of community has broken down as a result of urbanization and industrialisation. People have moved around looking for work and abandoned their communities.  Their mental health has deteriorated and they have become suspicious of strangers. They lack intimacy with their neighbours.

Both cultures are traumatized and the signs of dysfunctionality are there to be seen...

and they are all so 'busy!'

They are scuttling about in a frenzy pretending to be doing something.

But inside they are empty and lonely...."waiting for the miracle to come" (As Leonard Cohen says in his song)

They buzz around like flies on a window on a summers day.

Up and down, up and down. Trying to get through the glass.

Buzz...Buzz..!

Look at me -I'm busy!

Don't bother me - I'm busy!

Buzz... Buzz...!

Scrambled egg and families

It is very difficult to meet and get to know people in Australia.

That's nothing new.

But I've also realised something new today: the problems young adults have are everywhere.

It is almost everyone who has these problems! So many people I meet are from blended families which are split up: spouses living with second or third spouses with one or some of the children.

It is just unbelievable the number of them. It is almost impossible to meet a family which has a complete nuclear complement living under one roof and in which at least one member is not on prozac!

Western society has become like a scrambled egg

Why?

More importantly for me-why is no-one interested? Am I the only one?

Do we see the media full of comment and analysis of the gathering speed of social change which has had drastic consequences for the human spirit?

What has led to the disntegration of the family into lonely isolated individuals who continously reassemble into an amorphous mass of spouses and children with no meaningful bonds: a coagulated mass where no-one has a sense of belonging to an entity greater than the individual self?

Nobody seems to be interested.

All people seem to want to do is sit in their cells in isolation, work themselves to death, watch the football and drink themelves into oblivion.

As an ageing and isolated 'unit" I am still very interested.

I am aghast at how this has happened.

I don't like being part of a scrambled egg.

For me, years of refection on this issue has only been rewarded with confusion, isolation and loneliness.

I used to think that we in the western civilised world were so sophisticated and advanced.

What a con!

Now, I think we are not clever.

Not clever at all.

Isn't this what the divide between East and West in the world is really about?

Friendship ingredients

In my adult life friendships for me have been more influential than relationships with my siblings..

In terms of psychological support I have gathered it all from my friendships.

Living in different countries has made making succesful friendships crucial to survival.

But for me, friendship still has the same essential ingredients -irrespectie of the context within which it is forged.

What are the core ingredients?

Appreciation

Both parties in a friendship need to feel appreciated: I must feel that a true friend sees in me some good qualities and vice -versa. (which they perhaps don't see in themselves) Opposites attract. The two friends must view each other positively.

Vulnerability

Both parties in a true friendship must feel needed by the other. To do this each party must make themselves vulnerable and expose themselves to the scrutiny and judgement of the other.

Friendship cannot be based on a one way flow of 'gifts' from one to the other. Gratitude is not a sound basis for a sustained friendship, although it may be useful initially in the short-term. Ultimately, both parties have to learn to give and accept gifts. The gifts will be metaphorical ultimately-such as advice or affection-as-well as material.

I think friendship helps us see things (in ourselves and the friends) which we fail or are afraid to acknowledge within ourselves.

For a friendship to flourish we should be as essential to the survival of our friends as they are essential to us.

When I lose a friend a part of me dies.

I am the lesser for the loss.

Death, for me, is ultimatley having no friends at all.

It is therefore a great priviledge and gift to have friends.

I have made many friends but have lost them too because I have expected too much from them.

Many people get a lot of psychological support from their family, their local community or their church. Such people seem to rely less on their friends for psychological support than I do. They expect less of their friends and in turn they expect to give less of themselves.

I have realised such people have a different concept of friendship than I do.

This I have realised to my cost.


Friendship can not be taken for granted. It is a delicate flower which can easily perish if not constantly nourished and renewed carefully by both parties.

The odd e-mail once in a while may be enough for some but it is not enough for me.