Friendship ingredients

In my adult life friendships for me have been more influential than relationships with my siblings..

In terms of psychological support I have gathered it all from my friendships.

Living in different countries has made making succesful friendships crucial to survival.

But for me, friendship still has the same essential ingredients -irrespectie of the context within which it is forged.

What are the core ingredients?

Appreciation

Both parties in a friendship need to feel appreciated: I must feel that a true friend sees in me some good qualities and vice -versa. (which they perhaps don't see in themselves) Opposites attract. The two friends must view each other positively.

Vulnerability

Both parties in a true friendship must feel needed by the other. To do this each party must make themselves vulnerable and expose themselves to the scrutiny and judgement of the other.

Friendship cannot be based on a one way flow of 'gifts' from one to the other. Gratitude is not a sound basis for a sustained friendship, although it may be useful initially in the short-term. Ultimately, both parties have to learn to give and accept gifts. The gifts will be metaphorical ultimately-such as advice or affection-as-well as material.

I think friendship helps us see things (in ourselves and the friends) which we fail or are afraid to acknowledge within ourselves.

For a friendship to flourish we should be as essential to the survival of our friends as they are essential to us.

When I lose a friend a part of me dies.

I am the lesser for the loss.

Death, for me, is ultimatley having no friends at all.

It is therefore a great priviledge and gift to have friends.

I have made many friends but have lost them too because I have expected too much from them.

Many people get a lot of psychological support from their family, their local community or their church. Such people seem to rely less on their friends for psychological support than I do. They expect less of their friends and in turn they expect to give less of themselves.

I have realised such people have a different concept of friendship than I do.

This I have realised to my cost.


Friendship can not be taken for granted. It is a delicate flower which can easily perish if not constantly nourished and renewed carefully by both parties.

The odd e-mail once in a while may be enough for some but it is not enough for me.