Learning to be lonely

The penny has finally dropped for me. I am paying a high price for having an inquisitive nature.

I have seen the 'Phantom of the Opera' many times as a film, twice live, and listened to it dozens of times. I was listening to it on my IPOD the other day on my way to work when, for the very fist time, I caught the lyrics of the final song as the credits rolled.

The song is called 'Learn to be lonely'

My life is and has been about learning to be lonely.

I must be a slow learner. Why haven't I realised this before?

It would be another good epitaph. Perhaps it is a preparation for death.

My life has been mostly a farcical saga, much of it of my own making, punctuated by some few pain-free and exhilarating interludes, mainly in Africa and Mexico.

Everywhere I look here I am reminded of my own shortcomings. Everything irritates me: not just ugly things like noisy traffic, grass cutting machines or rude people on the telephone-but even on my favourite bicycle ride through in Campelltown by the river I am irritated by beautiful gardens and homes. Even happy people irritate me. .

The price of fifty-seven years of inquisitiveness is the humiliation of being patronised and feeling like a nuisance to everyone.

Everywhere I go I am patronised by the contented and the powerful, and ignored by everyone else. I'm so tired of it.

Everywhere I go I have to patronise the successful and the powerful. I'm so tired of it.

Stepping on eggshells to make sure I don't upset the sensitivities of those around me by being a nuisance is so enervating.

Best not to see them at all, because if the truth were to be known, they don't really want to see me anyway. When they say they do it is because they feel they 'should'. It is not because they want to.

They think they have what they need. So, they don't need me.

Maybe they are right.

I don't want any more quarrels. I'm exhausted.

I'll just have to learn to be lonely. That is what the songwriter said. It is so obvious!

I'm a slow learner - I can't quite get used to it.


Happiness surrounds us like sand on a beach -it is everywhere. It is within everyone's grasp.

All people need do is stretch out their hand and grab a handful.

But when I try to grasp the sand I cannot hold it. It slips through my fingers after a few hours or days.

We are all part of each others happiness. We are all sitting on the same beach.

But we ignore each other.

It is easier that way.

We listen to the lies of others who tell us we are responsible for our own happiness.

We lie to ourselves that we are 'independent' and can make our own happiness.

But it is not that way. I am part of your happiness and you are part of mine.

We lie to ourselves.

We lie all the time.

And we we keep on lieing.

That's one thing I can still do.